Many years ago, in my spousal years, I once liked the smell of flowers until the liking was suppressed because none were ever bought or delivered. The constant response of ‘it is just a waste of money‘ grew convincing and was immediately replaced with thoughts associated with high-maintenance purchases that lasted a few days to only be discarded and later reflected upon. But today was a different day! My former partner did something he wanted to do that would usually be refused by me yet I did not have a say so about ‘why’ and ‘how much’ – I received flowers and chocolate at my office today and I feel great about myself. I feel loved, thought of and worthy of receiving.
I thought – why is my text chiming, one message after another? I couldn’t wrap my mind around the urgency to get a message to me, especially after what had happened last night. I was tickled, surprised and felt loved all over again. Hence, it is moments like these, i.e. unexpected surprises that changes my perspective on life and makes me feel better about my self and the challenges I have to overcome, day in and day out. So tomorrow I will pick up my flowers and chocolate from my office and enjoy the smell and taste, respectively, of each item where both were bought and sent with love, without thought of money wasted.
It happened yesterday when I arrived from work and felt so overwhelmed. I thought “where is my support system?” God knows that I am attempting to do the best I know how with what I have – with everything in me – but I still feel like every day I arrive home I am exhausted. When will the day, the moment come when I feel the weight lifted off my shoulders? Single parenting is so hard! Working full time, arriving home in time to prep dinner or warm leftovers, washing dishes so the home remains tidy and finally flopping down in the chair or on the bed is all I seem to have energy for, literally.
And then I see ‘her’ face – who tells me that she loves me (for all the reasons I have explained, unaware of what I am experiencing) – yet, she cares because of it. So, I finally gain the strength to smile and say “yes, you may talk on the phone for a little while, but be sure to not stay up too long.” She ends her conversation because her friend must get off the phone, and although she understands bed time is bed time, she wants the peer companion as well. I think ‘she and I are both deprived’ not from one another, but from the social environment we yearn to connect with, e.g. friends, chats, physical touch from our peers, yet our support system does not allow. Today I wake up to realize the way things are is a direct result of unpreparedness.
Parenting is not a chore, but a blessing. My parents parented the same way I do today – without little to no help from loved ones, aside from persons they friended along the way in our places of travel. I too am parenting similarly, depending and relying on others that are unrelated to me to provide assistance when needed. God knows I am grateful, but I constantly ponder about why my support system is so far away – not so much in distance and proximity – but in mental and emotional space. Nearly 12 hours forward I feel a little better about the way my evening ended yesterday, although I believe I have lost a chance at love with my former partner who wanted to simply talk on the phone (but I could not move beyond the texting option) hence, my inability to sacrifice getting ample rest at the end of an exhausting day.
However, what keeps me moving and pushing forward through all the tiring moments is my gifted role as m-o-m, who must fulfill given responsibilities of being that parent whose personal agenda is always secondary to my daughter’s. Therefore, I thank God Almighty for being my ultimate support system! To self and others in a similar situation, I say – remember to inhale and exhale because you are not alone.
It was titled, an ‘Author’s note’ about self, and it reads:
The relentless blame a daughter carries is the closeness she has with her father, while her mother’s heart sears because of the supposed open wounds she still has from a bitter divorce that led to misunderstandings . He is aware there is no favorite ‘parent’ although she believes otherwise. The daughter will forever pay a hefty price because she is caught in the middle.
This is my story and I am finally shutting the door of fear to put a voice to why I consistently experience bouts of sadness. Truth is – what you see at the surface is not my reality. The ‘real’ me is a gullible, naive and inexperienced adult who still cries for her mother’s attention. So although I pretend to be strong in front of the people who know of me, those who know me on an intimate level remain hopeful that I will find my happy place (one day, somehow someway).