Feeling like an old pair of shoes, tired

Rustic boots

It happened yesterday when I arrived from work and felt so overwhelmed. I thought “where is my support system?” God knows that I am attempting to do the best I know how with what I have – with everything in me – but I still feel like every day I arrive home I am exhausted. When will the day, the moment come when I feel the weight lifted off my shoulders? Single parenting is so hard! Working full time, arriving home in time to prep dinner or warm leftovers, washing dishes so the home remains tidy and finally flopping down in the chair or on the bed is all I seem to have energy for, literally.

And then I see ‘her’ face – who tells me that she loves me (for all the reasons I have explained, unaware of what I am experiencing) – yet, she cares because of it. So, I finally gain the strength to smile and say “yes, you may talk on the phone for a little while, but be sure to not stay up too long.” She ends her conversation because her friend must get off the phone, and although she understands bed time is bed time, she wants the peer companion as well. I think ‘she and I are both deprived’ not from one another, but from the social environment we yearn to connect with, e.g. friends, chats, physical touch from our peers, yet our support system does not allow. Today I wake up to realize the way things are is a direct result of unpreparedness.

Parenting is not a chore, but a blessing. My parents parented the same way I do today – without little to no help from loved ones, aside from persons they friended along the way in our places of travel. I too am parenting similarly, depending and relying on others that are unrelated to me to provide assistance when needed. God knows I am grateful, but I constantly ponder about why my support system is so far away – not so much in distance and proximity – but in mental and emotional space. Nearly 12 hours forward I feel a little better about the way my evening ended yesterday, although I believe I have lost a chance at love with my former partner who wanted to simply talk on the phone (but I could not move beyond the texting option) hence, my inability to sacrifice getting ample rest at the end of an exhausting day.

However, what keeps me moving and pushing forward through all the tiring moments is my gifted role as m-o-m, who must fulfill given responsibilities of being that parent whose personal agenda is always secondary to my daughter’s. Therefore, I thank God Almighty for being my ultimate support system!  To self and others in a similar situation, I say – remember to inhale and exhale because you are not alone.

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